Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
