Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think your dad took our porno
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
