all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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