Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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