Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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