Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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