I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
