Is it normal to miss your booty call?
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
40s are totally the cure
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
