I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
