I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
