If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
