I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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