Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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