i think my tv is drunk
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
