Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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