so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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