DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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