is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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