Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
