I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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