Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
