On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
