U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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