i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
