you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
