she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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