my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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