I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
