just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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