I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
