Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
