Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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