It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
