Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
