Nicole vs. Life
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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