life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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