That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
