I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Don't make out with my wife yet
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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