One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize