Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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