Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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