sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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