actually, I'm a sock model
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
