so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
