You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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