then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
