how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
