i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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