Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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