Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
